Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize