you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
