I can tuck mytits in my pants
I cockslap morals
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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