I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
