this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
