I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
