I feel like abortions should bother me more
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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