he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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