By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
