bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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