It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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