Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
