Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
