ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
