all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
