I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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