I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
