He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm too high and old for this...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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