I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I want a musical about memes.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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