Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
