My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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