Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
