The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
