Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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