The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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