it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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