Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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