You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
