I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
