i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
