ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
