Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
