I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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