I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
