Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
