Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
