You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
