Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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