Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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