Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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