The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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