She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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