Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
