So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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