really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
