My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
