Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
