I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I FOUND THE LEGS
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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