I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
