My liver just broke up with me...
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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