I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
