You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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