If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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