if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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