Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
my being single is dangerous.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
