I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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