I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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