It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
we should paint friendship bongs
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