When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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