Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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